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03 July 2005 @ 04:00 pm
living my questions  
- why am i so hard on myself?
- why am i so hard on others?
- when and how did i start to believe that i was "hard on myself" or "hard on others," and is this notion anywhere near any kind of truth?
- when will the wind blow us through?
- when will we arrive, thirsty, on the front porch of love?
- when will the loving arms of surrender draw us in swiftly through the front door?
- and give us lemonade? glorious lemonade?
- who am i on the outside? who am i without the keyboard? who am i with my crooked nose, my crooked slouch, my chewed-up lip?
- what do i smell like?
- do i look acceptable, in the clothes i am wearing right now?
- do i generally look acceptable, in the clothing i chose?
- when i say "i want to change," do i actually mean "i want to work on myself, successfully oust outmoded world views and destructive habits," or do i mean "i want to put myself in a new and unfamiliar situation so i can continue to behave the exact same way without anyone noticing for a few more years?"
- when will i find a sanctuary within?
- will ben and i ever be able to decide where we will live?
- will ben and i ever be able to afford living together?
- especially when i am so readily willing to spend the greater part of ten dollars i don't really have on five ounces of cheese?!
- why don't i get new glasses?
- why can't i go to the dentist?
- will i survive through the year?
- will i last the hour?
- will this headache ever recede?
- am i dehydrated?
- did i sleep funny?
- why didn't that advil seem to do anything?
- will i ever not fear numbers?
- will i ever be entirely out of debt?
- who am i today?
- who will i be tomorrow?
- who will i be in the face of eternity?
- will i even merit words like mote or dust or eye of god?
- what part of god's body would my sub-atomic existence compose? a blue vein on the underside of the wrist? an eyelash? earwax? the left ventricle nearest the heart?
- will i ever have a picture of ben to stash in my wallet?
- will i ever have a wallet i can stash pictures in?
- when should i change the needle on my record player?
- where will i find a new needle to change it with?
- why do the stores i love tend to close?
- why do the stores i frequent tend to stop carrying the things i buy?
- why do i wear black if i look better in green?
- why am i having such a hard time completing writing projects?
- why doesn't the idea of completing writing projects give me a real sense of satisfaction or encouragement, lately?
- will i feel better about this?
- what does it mean, that i can't keep a date format consistent for three entries in a row in my paper journal?
- will i ever stop questioning myself about minimally consequential ideas like what does it mean, that i can't keep a date format consistent for three entries in a row in my paper journal?
- should i worry, if i do?
- what are my real questions?
- what are my important questions?
- why can't i clearly remember last night's dream?
- what is perception like, for the drowsing cat with one paw hanging down the unmade bedspread?
- does she live in last night's dream?
- do i?
 
 
 
secret ways of being: (mine) blue roommuted_rain on July 3rd, 2005 09:35 pm (UTC)
boo!

which isn't so much a response as a placeholder for something more.
maybe.

also, i can't see the cursor on this black page! it is like my white letters appear out of nothing, like magic. or like a black cursor on a black page perhaps. love.
selva oscuraanonymousblack on July 3rd, 2005 09:52 pm (UTC)
it's a whole anonymousblack thing, it is.

i'm thinking about the movie last night and maybe i'm going to put those thoughts down soon. i need to actually have my thoughts independant of arguments against what other people have written about it already, though. to that end, i'll just say that i never realized how sick i am of the sort of dull frat-boy habit of defining lynch films as total mindfucks that just exist to confound, almost as much as i am annoyed by the film major/critic very large-worded attempts to define every aspect of the film without just letting it exist, here and there, in a space outside of explaination. i did have a way that i followed it last night, but thinking about it more i keep being able to shift the point of view here and there and see it in other ways. so i'm glad that the dream/reality aspect wasn't real clear cut, that you can play around with the lines a bit. i'd rather his films be left to the mystery so i can come to them fresh every time and leave with whatever understanding or confusion it is that i need at that point in my life.

in other words, boo.

how are you doing today? i'm on AIM this minute, but i probably won't be too much longer.
maybe she's the tall and quiet womanwhenpetalsclose on July 3rd, 2005 10:03 pm (UTC)
[...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.]

that's rilke. you probably know that. but i take any opportunity to type it out.

you're very interesting and i wish i had a cat.
asymptote: evetree on July 4th, 2005 06:24 am (UTC)
i like the idea of being a blue vein on the underside of a wrist. i have nothing constructive to say, except that i'd probably make a very similar list given the chance.
wage slavehauscat on July 4th, 2005 10:34 pm (UTC)
"when i say "i want to change," do i actually mean "i want to work on myself, successfully oust outmoded world views and destructive habits," or do i mean "i want to put myself in a new and unfamiliar situation so i can continue to behave the exact same way without anyone noticing for a few more years?"

amen, sister
Nevarranevarra on July 5th, 2005 03:57 pm (UTC)
Amen again. The line really stuck out for me too.

(hug)
been rubbing a bad charmpedx on July 6th, 2005 03:03 am (UTC)
What are my real questions? Oh shit you've made me THINK when it's easier to just read PORN.