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08 May 2014 @ 02:57 pm
good morning beautiful  
the worst is waking up at a quarter to five to discover your brain is already in the process of this brutal inventory: all the cancers you've had, all the cancers you might have, any potentially cancer-causing activities you have recently engaged in; feeling yourself fail your body, the places where the energy stalls, the places where you don't even know. there are so many hidden places, hidden places you have no way of exploring, hidden places where anything could be happening at all. the place you had cancer, it never occurred to you that there could be cancer there. what does that say about all the places where you've suspected cancer, known others to have cancer, known others--known others--

then the surface cracks and you remember your friends, your loved ones. the way this is actually about them; about everything that could happen to them, all the small ways death can sneak in, will sneak in, will take them away, will take you away from them, will own you each and every one.
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Maryegg_shell on May 8th, 2014 09:52 pm (UTC)
I try to think about that - that we are all going - some just go sooner. Puts it all in perspective. Thanks for writing your honest thoughts...
selva oscuraanonymousblack on May 9th, 2014 10:00 pm (UTC)
yes, it's one of those good/bad things - good in the ways it slams petty problems into perspective, very bad in the way it can entirely paralyze me with chaos.

and thank you, of course, for saying something. (heart)
selva oscuraanonymousblack on May 9th, 2014 10:06 pm (UTC)
i've also been meaning to try to connect more with patti smith's music and writing again. especially her albums gone again and peace and noise. i remember feeling like the nineties were this terrible wringer for her, losing her husband, so much of her family, so many of her friends. but because of that, a lot of her work has been tremendously comforting and supportive when i'm trying to work through things.
translucentflowerfalls on May 9th, 2014 07:46 am (UTC)
yeah, this was me this morning, only with car accidents.
selva oscuraanonymousblack on May 9th, 2014 09:58 pm (UTC)
oh, car accidents are always part of this, too. there have been some mornings when i'm almost biting at my arm to keep myself from tearfully blocking ben from the door.

it had been significantly better by the end of last year; i was only having these episodes every couple months instead of three, four times a week. even with this current hormonal mess, it'd been several weeks since i had an episode this bad. unfortunately, i've noticed a clustering effect, something that sticks with me, almost inevitably triggering this again, sometimes within days.

it's post-traumatic stress related, obviously. doesn't help that i'm waking so early to take the medication i'll be on for the rest of my life because of cancer. we talked about ANXIETY CANCER WILL REOCCUR, ANXIETY I WILL GET DIFFERENT CANCERS, ANXIETY EVERYONE I LOVE WILL DIE HORRIBLY AND SUDDENLY at the conference in september, and it helped with managing some of it. but it's also time, now that i have appropriate coverage, to look for a therapist.
translucentflowerfalls on May 10th, 2014 03:30 am (UTC)
YAY for having coverage!

And wow, didn't really connect the dots for myself until I read your reply. I was anxious in the car ride when I was on my way to an GYN appt. It was to check my IUD (correctly placed, woohooooo!!), but in the back of my head I was worrying he was going to find a giant lump of cancer on the ultrasound. Makes my anxiety make sense. Well, as much as anxiety ever does.