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17 July 2015 @ 02:18 pm
nail it to the hvac door  
OKAY, MOUSE. OKAY YOU FUZZ-ASSED MUS MUSCULUS. I AM DONE.


I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT, AND I MEAN THAT LITERALLY. YOU THINK HOW THE SWEET TAWNY FRECKLES IN YOUR SOFT GRAY FUR MAKE YOU THAT MUCH MORE PAINFULLY ADORABLE PROTECTS YOU FROM THE REPERCUSSIONS OF TAKING A DUMP ON MY GOOD SKILLET AND MY WOMAN POWER SHRINE? YOU THINK THAT OUR BEING A COUPLE OF PACIFIST VEGETARIAN STONERS MEANS WE WILL NOT TAKE VINDICTIVE PLEASURE IN YOUR VIOLENT ANNIHILATION? BECAUSE WE WILL. AND I WILL PROBABLY CRY, BUT NOT EVEN FOR VERY LONG. BECAUSE YOU ARE SHAMELESS AND A DICK, MOUSE, NOT EVEN TRYING TO BE SNEAKY ABOUT FUCKING AROUND WITH THE DISH DRAINER AND I SAW THE LENGTHY COMMENT YOU DROPPED FROM THE STOVE VENT AFTER BEN ATTEMPTED TO BLOCK YOUR ACCESS FROM THE RANGE WITH CHICKEN WIRE. I THINK YOU'RE USING THE HUMANE TRAPS WE PUT OUT LAST WEEK FOR RAVES. YOU SURE AREN'T GETTING CAUGHT IN THEM. I USED TO BE SOMEONE WHO BELIEVED THAT BABIES AND OTHER TINY CREATURES WERE NOT VINDICTIVE ABOUT THEIR BIOLOGICAL FUNCTIONS. I USED TO BE SOMEONE WHO INSISTED ON EXCLUSIVELY USING NO-KILL TRAPS AND NON-TOXIC REPELLANTS. BUT THAT HAS ALL CHANGED THANKS TO YOU, YOU FURRY LITTLE ASSHOLE. A LINE HAS BEEN DRAWN ON THE LINOLEUM AT THE LLOYD JOHNSON HOUSEHOLD AND YOU SKITTERED OVER IT AT THREE IN THE MORNING SHRIEKING AT YOUR BUDDIES TO MEET UP WITH YOU IN THE ONE COOKING UTENSIL I CANNOT REASONABLY SANITIZE WITH SOAP AND WATER. THAT IS JUST ABOUT ENOUGH, MOUSE. FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE TO HANG OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES.
 
 
mood: APPLESAUCE
 
 
 
Trilliantrillian42 on July 17th, 2015 10:32 pm (UTC)
.... is it cast iron? cause new protocol says you CAN in fact use soap on cast iron. also, should you want to, you can stick it in the self clean cycle of the oven and burn anything off it. If that helps. >_>
selva oscuraanonymousblack on July 18th, 2015 12:18 am (UTC)
i mean, dumped it out in the sink, twice, caressed it lovingly with copious amounts of vegetable oil, then put it on the stovetop set to VAPORIZE for twenty minutes. ben thinks that should probably be okay. our stove is having this problem where it sucks. i do not think it would make it through a self-clean cycle. sometimes it does not make it through pizza. the maintenance guy is allegedly getting us a new one. we are appropriately terrified in contemplating what the floor beneath it is going to look like.

i didn't know that about the protocol. that is actually quite exciting to me.

isn't going to help with the woman power shrine. i dunno. maybe it's a girl mouse and she thought the was leaving an offering. mice could very well have some very different feelings about poop.
Trillian: neil tomatotrillian42 on July 18th, 2015 12:22 am (UTC)
http://www.seriouseats.com/2014/11/the-truth-about-cast-iron.html -- covered in #4. I found that article very enlightening. Goes entirely against my training at the kitchen store.

I mean, on the up side, it's not like you're regularly licking your shrine, right? So as long as you don't pet it and then lick your hands, it should be ok. Consider it an offering.
selva oscuraanonymousblack on July 18th, 2015 01:41 am (UTC)
it really depends on who i'm working with, the licking business. and it's fine if the marginalized lady mice want to hang out with ariadne, that's really why i've got tributes to her in the first place. but please to not be gnawing on my sacred space, unless you can show me some kind of badge indicating that you are authorized to be there. and really, this business with the kitchen needs to stop. we are not a rodent frat house.

thank you for the article!
selva oscuraanonymousblack on July 19th, 2015 06:41 pm (UTC)
you know, last night i realized that nipped candle wicks can look an awful lot like mouse poop. i may need to redact roughly 15% (no more) of my outrage, specifically as related to the woman power shrine. the rest of it stands.
Trilliantrillian42 on July 19th, 2015 06:43 pm (UTC)
LOL! That never would have occurred to me.
selva oscuraanonymousblack on July 19th, 2015 06:53 pm (UTC)
I KNOW. housekeeping tips for frequently disoriented neo-pagans!
[redacted]elsewhereangel on July 18th, 2015 12:01 am (UTC)
OH GOD YOU"VE CHECKED THE BOTTOM OF THE TOASTER RIGHT? CHECK THE BOTTOM OF THE TOASTER. FUCK IT< JUST BUY A NEW TOASTER< TRUST ME ON THIS.
selva oscuraanonymousblack on July 18th, 2015 12:27 am (UTC)
the toaster oven is on top of my iowa microwave. we have macgyvered cords and invoked angry demons to protect against mice getting into this region of the kitchen and so far! so far. i actually dumped out charred bread crumbs from the base the other night and there wasn't any evidence of mices. we may be losing this war, but not that one specific battle.

however? see my notes to trill up there about the stove the mice have been using as a light rail and convention center for the last three years.

i had a dream this morning that a mouse running under the stove was ACTUALLY HAVING BABIES as she ran. i woke up yelling, BEN THIS IS HORRIBLE! BUT YOU REALLY NEED TO SEE IT! i assume he thought i was talking about the tumbleweeds of hair and dust beneath the karlstad. judy and ben fail at housekeeping.

Edited at 2015-07-18 12:28 am (UTC)
∞tatonnement on July 18th, 2015 11:13 pm (UTC)
yes ++
selva oscuraanonymousblack on July 19th, 2015 06:49 pm (UTC)
the other night i wrote an android poem about the mouse while he was re-enacting an early-nineties nitzer ebb mosh pit with some of his buddies by my water heater. the next day i made this post and submitted the poem to an online venue. the mouse has been markedly more subdued since these two occurrences.

apparently he got the memo: the wages of my poetry is death. at least in this day and age. was a lot better to be an early adapter on that front.