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04 December 2015 @ 12:38 am
notching the spacebar  
FNA officially scheduled for monday, looks like it’s vampire kitten bite chic for the holiday season. i gotta figure out how the fuck to wear a scarf like all the grown up pulled-together types do it. with me it always end up looking like i recently did some kind of john cleese rolling stumble into a t.j. max dollar bin and have yet to comprehend i picked up hitchhikers. or maybe i could simply prepare myself, psychologically, for a few days of wearing my hair down? when did i stop being able to do that? funny, the things you lose.

*

i’m starting a weekend intensive tonight and am already tired. i need to figure out community altar pieces for: sex, pride, self, power, and passion. originally i was going to put an appropriate-feeling assemblage piece at each, but then i really thought about packing up “allegory” (self, obviously) and carrying it around baltimore’s historic mount vernon neighborhood; i broke a cold sweat. don’t think i’m quite ready to subject that one to the local elements. i don’t know. part of me just thinks: yeah, just pop my current bottle of synthroid up there. because i’ve come to the recognition that some of the things people love most about my personality hinge more on chemical checks and balances than i want admit.

*

used to be when the sky fell in i’d hole up with cleo the winbook for a few hours. go all mary magdalene over jesus’ feet on her. light up the vigil altar and really lose it. forget my own name for a few hours so i could write the pain through. not through me and out the other side, unless you count that as the screen. more into me, into the deepest places it could go, process that chemistry, see what came out of it. then i’d post some or all of it on livejournal and go to sleep and when i woke up in a couple hours, i felt like i’d done something. not anything world ending, not anything worthy of praise, but something other than staring the abyss into the pre-dawn light.

p appreciated this grieving ritual. one thing i got going for me right now: he'd be pleased, probably, that i've done at least one of these for him. “you should publish a book,” he told me at the thai restaurant after reading what i wrote about katrina. “anonymousblack responds to tragic world events.” he’d buy that book, he said, and i know he would’ve. i can see him out on chicago street corners, handselling it to passers-by. p was always trying to get me to make books he could buy and sell for me, for better or worse.

i must be getting older. nothing in me but abyss staring, tonight.

sorry, p.
 
 
 
translucentflowerfalls on December 4th, 2015 07:39 am (UTC)
I have to admit, "allegory" was lost on me, when it was first posted. but I get it, tonight, upon review. it's amazing. So there's that, there's what you already have done, which is out there, living it's own life.

I inadvertently sent F into a minor existential crisis the other night by talking about my desire to make... something published and coherent and a clear set and definite. And I mentioned in passing the things i have made already, and he said, "man when you put it that way, what do I have to leave behind?"

I think as creators, we tend to be looking and making and trying and new... but there is much to be said for looking back, occasionally, and finding satisfaction in having done. whatever it is. boxes and journals and photos and blogs.

no, it's not published and it's not paying your bills and it's not what you expected and it's not easy to explain over christmas dinner. but what you have done with this space, anonymousblack, has been seen and read and shared and deeply deeply appreciated. it's something more than an abyss.

*LOVE*
selva oscura: foxanonymousblack on December 7th, 2015 09:10 pm (UTC)
love to you, too, k. thank you. ♥
(Anonymous) on December 6th, 2015 02:48 am (UTC)
I'd buy that book as well
I got to see an exhibit of Joseph Cornell and his boxes. I had to be dragged out each of the many days I went.
I think he spent many hours staring into the abyss.
I very much liked your "Allegory"
selva oscura: kitsune-tsukianonymousblack on December 8th, 2015 11:43 pm (UTC)
thank you. only problem with that piece is how it validated my compulsion to SEPUT (save every potentially useful thing). spent tea, hair clippings, shreds of colorful mailers. keep it up and i might have a retrospective fifty years from now highlighting work i've done with toenail clippings swept up from the bathroom floor.

the smithsonian did a massive and amazing retrospective of cornell's work in 2007. they did manage to get us out of there eventually, but mostly so i could buy this, one of my all-time favorite reads. i keep it close by, with patti smith's woolgathering and my favorite normandi ellis books.

someone gifted me with his collected diaries/letters/etc. one christmas nearby that occasion: abyss staring, check.



Edited at 2015-12-08 11:47 pm (UTC)
(Anonymous) on December 9th, 2015 01:51 am (UTC)
Thanks for turning me on to the related. Simic I know but not that book. Which of the Ellis should I start out on

I'd save the clippings- old women can get away with that
selva oscura: maiden fairanonymousblack on December 9th, 2015 03:01 am (UTC)
awakening osiris was my first and it was important for me spiritually, as in a still-unfolding path. it's an unorthodox translation of the egyptian book of the dead and quietly takes on some of ellis' theories about the magical powers of language. fresh fleshed sisters and going west are fantastic books of little fictions, but voice forms is still probably my favorite of her literary titles. it covers a long era of material and you can see her processes unfolding. it's a bit rough around the edges (i love it, it's like uncut brainstorm journal stuff) and out of print to the tune of $70+ on amazon marketplace. i ordered it apparently directly from her when i worked at a b&n affiliate in 1998. she included an adorable note on the packing slip. it was pretty great.

eh, anyway, i'm eccentric. spectators from my youth would probably be shocked at the entire lack of crushed skulls and creepy wind up monkeys crafted from human hair in my immediate living space.

i keep them in the car.
(Anonymous) on December 9th, 2015 11:48 pm (UTC)
Many thanks I love embarking on completely new (to me) authors and she sounds fascinating
Since I spend more time in my car than anywhere else I should start my own cataloged ephemera in the back seat
Hope you are doing all right
selva oscuraanonymousblack on December 10th, 2015 05:38 pm (UTC)
i'm negotiating the monkey-see monkey-want phase of post-workshop integration, wherein i hide the credit cards from younger self because as loudly as she's been insisting she needs three new frame drums and a laser stars hologram projector (we can assure you these are very practical purchases with a wide range of crucial applications going forward) she needs car insurance more. the book list is a little more difficult to discipline, though thankfully i already own starhawk's dreaming the dark because one of our leaders offered us a quote that just about gave me the vapors.

i hear laser star hologram projectors make for excellent traveling companions.

Edited at 2015-12-10 05:55 pm (UTC)