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19 May 2016 @ 09:32 pm
convergent evolution  
draw the intention back. back to the point of entry, back into the build up, into the moment of anticipation, when there is no other answer but what is about to occur: draw it back.

we are repeatedly alarmed by noises and occurrences.

we are ever misdirected into the fixations of strangers.

draw the intention back, back to the beginning of things. back to when you first understood the intention was there; back when it was simply an understood desire. there have been a lot of failed efforts, aligning intention with desire. there have been a lot of complications, needless qualifiers, there have been any number of ways in which this matter was dragged away from itself, made into another matter, made into another issue entirely, made into something else: and so fed into strange behavior, seemingly unrelated activities, sons and daughters of one very important initiation who have splintered into factions that don't necessarily support that which they were put here to support.

draw the intention back. draw it back and hold it in space. use the weight of it to calibrate your balances, your manner of presentation, who you want to be the way you want to be it. there is always a scale to put things to. there is always a result to examine.

and in the morning when you survey recent changes.

and in the morning when you look back over what has occurred.

and in the morning when you witness who you are with fresh eyes, building into it, building into the who and what and why, shape it out, draw it in, sculpt the matter into a matter you would involve yourself in.

craft the situation into your situation: it's all you can do, making life into your life. there are so many things that can only be seen one way. there are so many things that can only mean one answer, but the thing of it is the context surrounding such matters are infinite, so even when it seems as though there are no other answers to be had, there are too many to count in a different dialect.

distance changes the read.

distance changes the intent.

in one way, denying yourself something you truly desire when you are young and denying it successfully will change the nature of that desire. put it in a cocoon. break it down to fundamental components that no longer resemble the original matter. in some ways, repressing a desire will destroy it. silence that desire effectively, release you from the pressures of it. and the energies around that desire will stiffen, lose malleability, become a hard shell that presumably contains nothing because that is what spurned desire would like you to believe your rejection has left for you: nothing. no thing. not the matter you desired, not some workable proxy in its stead. you killed what you were gifted so that's what you have earned: silence and death.

but such matters are never so easy among the aware, whether they want to acknowledge and act upon their awareness or not. in a way, it can be argued something you haven't observed yet: placating one who refused to act on desire with the idea of death is one of the oldest tricks in the book. instead of staying dead, the matter has been transforming, and it has been transforming into something with infinitely more mobility.

desire that could become airborne.

desire that can now soar.

now in its uncracked cocoon desire isn't sleeping, but is transforming on a fundamental level, dying to its former self and becoming something that cannot be forgotten, becoming something that cannot be hidden, becoming something that changes with a look, with a touch, at a word. at a moment's notice. all at a moment's notice.

draw the intention back.

take aim.


 
 
music: radiohead - little by little
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on May 21st, 2016 11:47 pm (UTC)
I like this very much.
I sometimes notice that for me when I repress something to the point you reference it has changed so much I no longer recognize it in any way. Its almost as if its not mine any longer, maybe the product of an unrequited love as we have spoken before. I rarely sublimate desire which is a whole nother thing.
selva oscura: [anderson] she's troubleanonymousblack on May 22nd, 2016 08:33 pm (UTC)
i wrote something (in freewriting mode) about a year ago, while in the process of examining the roots of my desire to move back into writing more traditional poetry and why this wasn't happening.

i differentiated between learning to hold poetry in the body during the writing process and using the body's resources for poetry, instead. poems made with the body like that are extremely beautiful and intimate, if ...oddly similar, from poet to poet, and it is not (in my experience) a remotely sustainable way of working (which i know because i've done it.) it's everything at its most raw and exposed, fresh bones in the sun.

poems held in the body and coaxed out carefully tend move slower, but they also demonstrate more in the way of voice and maturity, which they do by addressing more than the author's singularity. that's the switch, i think: the poem stops being ONLY YOURS in the process of emerging onto the page. you need to share. it might be the distinction between self-expression and viable art. there are some pieces that are only self-expression and others that are only viable art; i find that with regard to the work of others, too far in either direction doesn't work for me. there needs to be more than just the self but the self needs to be inherent to the very nature of the work.

there needs to be a better way to teach this aspect of writing to intermediate level writers who aren't entirely locked into their process, yet. one might think a creative writing MFA program would do the trick, but having read a great deal of work by those who have completed such programs... i don't think i'm sour graping it too much when i say i'd prefer my methods and experience to moving back to iowa and begging marilynne robinson to tough out four more semesters to mentor me. ;-)

so what i'm saying is: repressed information, be it desire, trauma, or fear, that's what you're looking for, when you write. it's issues and situations you've intentionally not let yourself look at for a very long time. but it's there, and it needs to be dealt with. approaching it with the writing craft ends up being a kind of synergistic dynamic, because as it helps you navigate this blacked-out landscape it also brings up similar material you'll need to approach this way.

so what i'm saying is: being a deeply repressed mid-westerner has its advantages.

Edited at 2016-05-22 08:35 pm (UTC)
(Anonymous) on May 22nd, 2016 11:14 pm (UTC)
Your added notes make a lot of sense. I am familiar with the style of writing both prose and poetry that would lend itself well to a lengthy gestation process. It is a style that is very foreign to my own little puke of a style. I feel like if I wait too long the whole thing will rot and start stinking.
I will make a concerted effort to treat you Midwesterners with the respect you deserve
selva oscuraanonymousblack on May 23rd, 2016 06:26 pm (UTC)
man, at least i'm not from minnesota. people tend to hypocrite themselves right past their own weirdness in calling out the minnesotan weird. which, admittedly, is quite strange. but in a delightfully mild-mannered sort of way.