Awake at 8 am on my day off, absinthe dreaming in my bloodstream all night. deadletters is ghost letters, and even in my dreams the letters call me a coward and a creep. I keep burning down ideas, whole cities of them, because they're not good enough.
A long time ago, I wrote the line where Jacob explains, "I sold my soul, but I got a lot more for it than it was worth." This line is thrown back in his face when he discovers his girlfriend is in pornography. Last night, in a dream, my soul told me that the soul you have is the one you get, every morning, when you face the decisions from the night or the year before. Your soul renews if you allow it.
"People are dying and it's my fault."
"Everyone dies. What makes it your fault?"
"The world is going to end."
"The world is always ending."
"But I see it happening. The city wants me to know that it's dying. It keeps showing me signs.." his hands are open, palms raised, struggling to explain. Her face is unmoved.
"Everything dies, Jacob. Everybody dies. The world ends to make room for a new one."
He had begun to think Emma wasn't listening at all. He looked at his hands, the stained black fingernails.. Empty. She put her hand on his.
"Hey."
"Yeah."
"Have you ever read the book of Revelation?"
"From the bible? I didn't think you were a christian." Her face twisted, shaking her head, and she went across her room and pulled a thick book from the shelf. She sat down beside him again, flipping through pages as she spoke.
"No. I'm not anything. In Revelation, you have the last living Apostle- John, who was the youngest Apostle, was never martyred. All of the other saints were killed and died for their god. But John wasn't martyred, he was exiled to a horrible little Greek island. And there, at the end of his life, all by himself, god showed him the end of the world." He nodded intensely.
"I need to read it."
"Sure. I know what you're thinking, but hear me out. Revelation doesn't make sense. It's," she began using her hands like they were shaping clay. "It's poetry, it's codes, it's.. jibber-jabber, and I can see in your face that you think you might have an insight into it that other people don't, but that's a dangerous place to go. When you're obsessed, you can find a pattern anywhere you want. The book of Revelation can make sense to you, and you can probably find a pattern in the phone book that'll tell you the same thing if you look hard enough. Here's what I was looking for.." she sets her finger on a line in the dictionary. "This definition of Revelation is great because it explains the difference between Revelation and other forms of divination.. here. 'Revelation is inescapable destiny.' Okay." She closes the book. "All revelation means is 'revealing.' If the city is showing you things, listen to it. Let it show you. Not everybody gets to have a place choose you, so be patient and a good listener. If it's 'inescapable destiny', there's nothing you can do to stop it, or alter it, anyhow."
Jacob's hands loosely clasped as she talked. His jaws unlocked, the tense muscles in his face softened. They sat in the silence of her room, the small blue lights a starlit wreath around her bed.
"I thought you were just going to tell me I was crazy."
"Is that what you want?"
"I'm really not sure." He yawned, a good, long one that clicked a loud snap below his right ear.
"Ow." She laughs as he rubs his jaw.
"You worry too much, baby." His face lit from inside at the word 'baby.'
"Fuck, I feel old," still rubbing his jaw.
"You actually look really young right now." She slowly wrapped herself around him, squeezing him for a while.
"Let's go to sleep." He added, "Baby."
"Okay, but one more thing. Actually- two."
"Tell me."
"Tomorrow night we're watching Jacob's Ladder. I still cannot believe you've never seen this movie. Two, I know how Molly kisses, and you learned from her. You kiss like a dyke. Sometimes I think you're trying to eat my face. Slow down, okay?" She smiled, and he lowered his chin reflecting her smile back to her.
"...okay."
Emma reaches for a hidden switch, and the blue stars go out with a soft click. She arranges the blankets over them, kisses him on his cheek, and watches his dark shape lower into the pillow. He opens his mouth in an extended exhale.
She rolls over in the dark.
"Thank you for telling me." She waits in the silence. "Jacob?"
He was already dead asleep.