July 3rd, 2005

well i can

living my questions

- why am i so hard on myself?
- why am i so hard on others?
- when and how did i start to believe that i was "hard on myself" or "hard on others," and is this notion anywhere near any kind of truth?
- when will the wind blow us through?
- when will we arrive, thirsty, on the front porch of love?
- when will the loving arms of surrender draw us in swiftly through the front door?
- and give us lemonade? glorious lemonade?
- who am i on the outside? who am i without the keyboard? who am i with my crooked nose, my crooked slouch, my chewed-up lip?
- what do i smell like?
- do i look acceptable, in the clothes i am wearing right now?
- do i generally look acceptable, in the clothing i chose?
- when i say "i want to change," do i actually mean "i want to work on myself, successfully oust outmoded world views and destructive habits," or do i mean "i want to put myself in a new and unfamiliar situation so i can continue to behave the exact same way without anyone noticing for a few more years?"
- when will i find a sanctuary within?
- will ben and i ever be able to decide where we will live?
- will ben and i ever be able to afford living together?
- especially when i am so readily willing to spend the greater part of ten dollars i don't really have on five ounces of cheese?!
- why don't i get new glasses?
- why can't i go to the dentist?
- will i survive through the year?
- will i last the hour?
- will this headache ever recede?
- am i dehydrated?
- did i sleep funny?
- why didn't that advil seem to do anything?
- will i ever not fear numbers?
- will i ever be entirely out of debt?
- who am i today?
- who will i be tomorrow?
- who will i be in the face of eternity?
- will i even merit words like mote or dust or eye of god?
- what part of god's body would my sub-atomic existence compose? a blue vein on the underside of the wrist? an eyelash? earwax? the left ventricle nearest the heart?
- will i ever have a picture of ben to stash in my wallet?
- will i ever have a wallet i can stash pictures in?
- when should i change the needle on my record player?
- where will i find a new needle to change it with?
- why do the stores i love tend to close?
- why do the stores i frequent tend to stop carrying the things i buy?
- why do i wear black if i look better in green?
- why am i having such a hard time completing writing projects?
- why doesn't the idea of completing writing projects give me a real sense of satisfaction or encouragement, lately?
- will i feel better about this?
- what does it mean, that i can't keep a date format consistent for three entries in a row in my paper journal?
- will i ever stop questioning myself about minimally consequential ideas like what does it mean, that i can't keep a date format consistent for three entries in a row in my paper journal?
- should i worry, if i do?
- what are my real questions?
- what are my important questions?
- why can't i clearly remember last night's dream?
- what is perception like, for the drowsing cat with one paw hanging down the unmade bedspread?
- does she live in last night's dream?
- do i?