February 13th, 2019


under the pink

i thought that was pretty good, for a re-entry entry. i remember feeling so hopeful when i wrote it, but then i stopped. again. oh god, it hurts, this thing called writer's block, and it hurts because i am doing it to myself. i know i am doing it, understand? what i'm not getting is the mechanism i need to reroute. i sabotage without realizing. i paint myself into all kinds of corners. this is because i am caught up in an unsupportive cycle. several unsupportive cycles, perhaps. this block is a form of self-injury. i need to decide to pull out of it, yes. in order to do so, sustainably, i need to be strong enough to bear my own weight once i'm out. so: time. recovery work. coming at the problem with different approaches, some of them not viewing the matter as a problem but a situation that might benefit from a different approach.

from 2018's spring equinox ritual, possibly one of my last public invocations for the foreseeable future: i may not be very strong today, but i am strength.

one of these days i'm going to catch on to my own magic.