March 8th, 2019


still pursuing the path that's been buried for years

realized shortly after publicly posting my most recent no-longer-public post that i was engaging in the behavior patterns of a triggered person. that happens sometimes. sometimes it's just my body reacting to the idea of other people reading my writing and i need to play that edge a little more, so i played it. it either fades after a few hours or i escalate. i belched for a little while, chewed up my lower lip. i took down my hair and pinned it back up a little too tight. took down my hair, pinned it back up a little tighter than that. when i caught myself starting to claw, that's an uh-oh line i'd rather not cross with regard to a livejournal post at this moment in my history. i friends-locked the post. i wrapped myself up tight in a blanket. i breathed a mala. then i trimmed my nails.

observation: i have a vivid and active imagination.

benefit: sure can help with the art and the writing!

challenge: anxiety management, whoa dog!

every boon has its price. i've made such a habit of injuring myself with my imagination it isn't exactly a mystery that i have so much trouble staying focused on visualization in my magic practice. my body recognizes the movement and responds: are you trying to do this recreationally? why?

so i triggered myself by posting a piece speculating on the triggering potential of a new media release. does this qualify as meta-triggering? have i initiated myself into the deeper mysteries of triggering? ouroboros! ouroboros! might i now qualify for david lynch’s “trigger inside a trigger inside a trigger inside a side of raw beef dressed up like a lumberjack” master class? not that there are any spots left. we are a global culture triggered to the extent of rattling our teeth fully clothed in the empty bathtub.
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    tryshe dhevney - bright silence in c#