August 8th, 2019

maiden fair

i'll lie right back and take the blame

my partner got a "huh, no one's ever asked me that before."

it was a question about ventilation in our (hopefully!) new space.

so that's, what, fifty points in the RECENTLY TRAUMATIZED CEREBRAL INTROVERT category? quite a distance to go from the cool two thousand i scored the year of my indoctrination to the thyroid cancer life(1), but impressive for someone so well integrated with the creative professional workforce. living with me has introduced him to so many things!

(1) i swear to god, two dozen related consultations, most of them i didn't even need to undress or go into an exam table hypertension episode(2) over! i never saw so many doctor's offices. it wasn't very fun. that, by the way, is an official point on my healthcare privilege checklist: "how many significant doctors appointments have you NOT needed to undress for?" those are the hard ones, the consultations. hard in a different way than clinicians not hearing me say "I NEED TO NOT BE IN A ROOM WITH STIRRUPS" through gritted teeth while compulsively grinding the nail of my index finger into the flesh of my thumb because they are holding me prisoner in this place of misery and reproach(3) until i give them a better blood pressure reading. that's pretty damn hard, so you are aware.(4)
(2) "white coat syndrome" my ass. IT'S THE EXAM TABLE. IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE EXAM TABLE. I CALL IT "EXAM TABLE DISEASE," but "WITHIN RANGE OF ANTICIPATED RESPONSES FOR PATIENTS WITH POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER" could work if you're allowing for how different people with different experiences have different triggers and different reactions to those triggers. it's not always a lab coat. it's not always the exam table. it's not always hypertension and self-injury. sometimes it's one but not the other. sometimes it's both and more but you don't even pick up on symptoms until you're in your forties and your body gives way with the strain of letting the matter go unaddressed for so long. there is a lot we can't know. there's a lot we haven't figured out, yet. i try to keep that in mind, if only because of the times i've been hurt by people not demonstrating comprehension of this principle. we do not all always have the same tools and circumstances. your cakewalk could just as easily be my funeral. you know, because it turns out one of the unintended impacts of a prescription i'm on makes me deathly allergic to cake.
(3) acceptable alternative: "the house of disquieting activities"
(4) also, addressed in another part of the list!
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