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03 July 2006 @ 02:08 am
inky black smear (and other considerations)  
lost my balance, taken to muttering. close eyes and the room spins. open eyes and the floor drops. i could suck raw ginger, pulp it 'til my vision blurs, vamp the juices thick and still press the flats of my palms into my eyes, a secluding prayer to exorcise this vile wavering. ginger don't fix the spins, the spins that give the belly strife.

didn't we do this last winter?

in the bathtub, forehead to the ceramic. hot water, cold tile. i could i could i could i could i could remember something useful something real something i'm not writing in over what actually happened i should i should i should i should do something to ground myself in my own body in my own moment in my own self instead of the self i would i would i would i would i would have been

would HAVE been
if i HAD known
WHO to be*

who?

what?

when?

where?

why?

subject subjective what is the matter? holy visitation. water splashed to the sick forehead. water scrubbed back over the fevered scalp. the room tilts, the walls orange. smash deep into the pillow, rattle rattle 6.3, lift again to find it blue. by the time it's gone green we might as well be on the ceiling with our weighted lurches, our stumbling stagger.

[ today we've found that we are not an independent consciousness acting against the void but the void moving through an often muddled awareness. today we have found the blasphemous disconnect between wall and mirror. today we bend at the knees without bending, dip to the floor that looses us in our gravity. floor boards floor boards to the floor to the floor and haul it back up again. today we keep light beams in pensive tension at either thumb knowing with a force knowing with a strength knowing in a place that could make an element snap, ]

haunted by (my own) absence, (i) startle at (my) hair on (my) shoulders. (i) fragment sentences, (i)

*edit the wretched girl out.
 
 
mood: living daylights
 
 
 
secret ways of being: (mine) steppingmuted_rain on July 4th, 2006 02:59 am (UTC)
thinking of you today
everyday, but also today

i am home, i am here, i am ... getting dinner and watching stories of trances

*hug*