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21 April 2014 @ 05:55 pm
meshes of the afternoon  
there's always another page, i wrote, in some notebook or another, a long time ago or maybe more recently than i think. there's always another page, another book, another line. and it's true, of course, it's the truest thing there is, at least until it isn't.

when something runs out - tea, flour, patience, light - it frequently seems binary: now it is there, now it is not. that's a truth of it, i guess, though some of us are able to see the matter dwindling. sometimes the dwindling is all i can see. how will i get more, when the time comes? can more be obtained? terrible that my obsession with resolving the dwindling can overwhelm my enjoyment of what's left.

there's a tipping point, of course. with a quart of cream. with a bottle of synthroid. with the expanse of an afternoon. with a relationship. you are sated, satisfied with what you have; you do not need to seek out more. then, all of a sudden, what is left is overcome by what has been used. even if it took you months to use half the package, now that you've observed the dwindling supply, it will dwindle away that much faster. before you can replace it. before you can find more. were you prepared for this? can we ever be prepared for death?

it's samsara, the misery of survival. it's striving. it's exhausting and isolating. is the loneliness of dwindling the illusion or what we are deluding ourselves from? ask someone when they are newly in love and ask them again when they are out of it and you will probably get very different answers. ask me and i will altogether avoid answering: sometimes because i know better than that, usually because i don't have a clue. the vocabulary of not answering: maybe. perhaps. not exactly. not quite. i don't know. because i don't know. i can't know. it stops my pen it soaks my eyes it never stops it never ends it can never just be - what's worse, to complain about it is, essentially, to complain about being alive. for the sake of rationality, superstition, and emotional well-being, it's almost always in poor taste to complain about that.
crimson_vitacrimson_vita on April 22nd, 2014 10:30 am (UTC)
Loved this.
croneitudecroneitude on April 22nd, 2014 12:14 pm (UTC)
This was wonderful to read today.