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07 November 2014 @ 06:34 pm
blues from down here  
there's always another layer, another perspective to take, a different way to look at the thing. there's always another way you could be wrong. looking back is like looking in a mirror: what you are seeing isn't what's actually there. it's two dimensional. the lighting is unrealistic. the image informed by your fears and assumptions.

short sighted? long story.

i could be this but i'm not. i've written more letters i'll never send than sent letters i've written. other people seem so much better about living than me. or they don't, i don't know: there's always another layer. another way to relate. love or famine, we'll just keep starving each other out. or i'll starve myself dead and you'll carry on, as you always have.

same difference, in the end.
we all face death alone.

i want to record, but my equipment keeps picking up broadcast signals. i want to sleep, but i don't. i don't know what i want. a warm bed. a satisfied belly. people to be more kind: to themselves. to each other. to me. i want someone who remembers everything i want them to remember and forgets everything i want them to forget. i suspect: my desire to be seen as i want to be seen interferes with my desire to be loved exactly as i am. that doesn't mean i won't keep wanting both.

or maybe it does. i'm never sure.

about anything.
about anyone.

it's tiresome, in fact.
[redacted]elsewhereangel on November 8th, 2014 04:25 am (UTC)
other people seem so much better about living than me

Oh god yes.

But I'm beginning to think that might be ok? I spent so long just trying to push back the suicide clock that I'm beginning to think that I might be ok with a smaller, longer, life.
selva oscuraanonymousblack on November 10th, 2014 11:34 pm (UTC)
it might be, yes. it's also important to remember that it's... there are people that are worse about living, which is one thing--but also people who, in full awareness, harm the lives of others in how they live. i would much rather have a smaller and longer life than fall into that.

thinking of you and hoping everything with the new job is going well.
[redacted]elsewhereangel on November 11th, 2014 12:57 am (UTC)
It's going pretty well. I'm very tired at the end of the day and it makes me quiet (both here & IRL) but I expect that will change in time.
crimson_vita: vivian in smaller mirrorcrimson_vita on November 8th, 2014 11:16 pm (UTC)

(To all of it.)
selva oscuraanonymousblack on November 10th, 2014 11:35 pm (UTC)
word! right back at you.

SOMETIMES even the stuff i am CURRENTLY writing in my paper journal can be readable, apparently. i don't necessarily have to wait three to four years to do something with it, i mean! who knew? ;-)
crimson_vita: vivian in smaller mirrorcrimson_vita on November 11th, 2014 05:24 am (UTC)
(All of that^ should have been said in person over a pot of tea. I'm feeling contempt towards you, stupid non-existing Tardis. That I'm not around more to agree very adamantly and with wild hand gesticulation about the waiting three to four years not being necessary- I think we both know this is your fault.)

(If only non-existing Tardis were more responsible.)