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23 July 2015 @ 01:21 pm
the failure of assumed mechanics  
the air conditioner, the starter, the kitchen sink, the toilet seat, the toilet, tire pressure, marriage, the close friend who is suddenly acting like they’d like to abandon you at a rest stop but doesn’t seem willing to acknowledge this even when you ask them repeatedly (because you have been in this situation before), internet connectivity, regularly utilized software, the buttons you press to operate the stove, also the stove, birth control, the effect intake method has on interpretation, the ball tip in the pilot pen you just bought last week, the screw top on your klean kanteen, the way the base of your klean kanteen meets with flat surfaces, something your phone was doing just fine for two months that it now seems like it does not want to do at all, the body, the body, the body, a hundred million different ways the body, was there always a crack like that in this mug? should we touch on ethical policing, social awareness, acknowledging and unpacking personal issues of privilege and entitlement, or an at least fleeting sense of relative confidence around the idea that you are not violently destroying people's lives just in going about your daily routine? let's say no, at least for now, not this makes it go away, not that this means there isn't a dishearteningly similar dynamic in play.

the only way to cope with an issue you have no way of fixing
at the worst point of not being able to fix it

is to:
convince yourself, over and over, that it has mysteriously fixed itself:
suddenly! magically!
this agonizing problem
that has been agonizing
for so long and/or
so intensely: it is

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆. NO LONGER A PROBLEM! .:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆
.* it’s all better, now! ☆
like magic! °
☆ °・or self-delusion!・°☆

and like that:

and what a relief that is because you couldn’t do anything about it anyway and helplessness is pretty fucking tiresome: few hours of intense exposure to an issue that directly indicates your helplessness, it is exhausting and you’re going to need a respite.

at best, it’s a stall.
at worst, everything in my life is a lie.

music: autocreation - exhale