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03 August 2015 @ 02:14 pm
everything in my life is a lie.  
i earned the nickname ‘fortune cookie’ my first year of college because more often than not, if something significant happened to someone in our group, i’d written about it about it a few weeks earlier. they used to make bets on it. quarter bets. can of soda bets. i-told-you-so bets. but bets nonetheless.

demeaning, as nicknames go.

also true.

thing is: if i’ve ever done it to you, i’ve done it to myself three thousand times worse.

my intuition has face-slammed me more times than i can count. has it ever been helpful? not that i can shut it down, not that i would shut it down if i were able. not even after this. but here's a hard lesson: apparently, the mechanisms of an unimaginable loss seems to mean the denial part of the grieving process begins with the intuiting.

no that's not what that means.
no that couldn't be what that means.
that's not what it means at all.