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20 December 2015 @ 01:08 pm
temporary residence  
in the dream it was a shock again, as it’s always a shock, as it’s never stopped being a shock. because as old as i am, i am never prepared for or willing to accept the non-negotiable and absolute permanence of death. it’s not rebellion, it’s more visceral than that. an intolerance. an allergy. a fatal, fatal allergy. i’ll call p., i thought, who else is ever going to help me sort through p.’s death, i thought, and stopped cold.

it’s like that. stopped cold. stone wall not even rushing up before you slam in. nothing else there. nothing else in the room. there’s the room itself, but what are you going to do in a room without anything to do? not even a window, i mean, not even a door. when i was seven my grandfather died from lung cancer. my parents took me to the funeral. my parents said it was time for me to go to a funeral and look, here is an excellent introductory option. i went to my grandfather's funeral and i thought: this just doesn’t seem very practical. everything we go through and then this, stone wall, open casket, flowers from your former employer? everything we go through and then this, this room without anything to do? you haven’t even figured out everything you need to figure out. you haven’t even put away all your stuff.

when i was seven i thought i’d will myself dead for a few minutes so i could see what it felt like. i laid on my bed and pretended to stop. stone wall. not even rushing up. it wasn’t so bad, i decided. it wasn’t so bad from that side of things, maybe, like this exercise offered any viable insight into any side of things. at first, for a lot of us, death seems like it should be something you can get over. have a good rest. then: wake up. go on about your day. go on about your life. out of the dream, i rolled onto my back and started at the beginning again.

(Anonymous) on December 21st, 2015 03:26 am (UTC)
well this is just so beautiful in that achy way life can be
I wish you access to things that help you in your labyrinth
journey for me its been many missteps and pain to get to a
place of swirling grainy clarity if that can be called a place.I gave up on understanding and just acknowledged each of the many deaths as life lived as best they could
I hope that is what my circle says about me comes that day
I can't begin to tell you how affective your writing is
selva oscura: argoflex 75anonymousblack on December 22nd, 2015 12:39 am (UTC)
thank you so much. i've been meaning to tell you that i've really appreciated your comments these last months. good things for you on this solstice and the coming year.
(Anonymous) on December 22nd, 2015 03:50 am (UTC)
And to you as well.
I am very blessed to have stumbled across your journal in the vast desert of LJ Land
Oh and by the way I am more than half way through Awakening Osiris and am loving every word of it. What a beautiful translation. I am in your debt.