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31 October 2016 @ 04:17 pm
it's the same in the whole wide world  
we made these puppets a few years ago for a dark show, never made a video for either of them until last night. this is jack, the puppet that i made. i am especially proud of the knotted cord around his neck.

i'm negotiating some stuff: but aren't i always? locked down, tied up. i should be writing, as in content i am contracted for, but: it's strange. very strange.

i made an ancestor altar. it's a component of the work i've been/will be doing with my community for the coming ritual cycle, but it also isn't; it doesn't have anything to do with my current community at all. it's something that i've been building toward for decades, something that i've been feeling a pull towards since: i mean, it might be (part of? all of?) what i'm here to do spiritually. and that's... validating, to feel it come in from many directions like that, but also extremely frightening. because i haven't really thought of myself as someone who came from ancestors (except in all the ways i've always thought of it), i certainly didn't feel i was "special" enough to do ancestral work, whatever that means; but the main thing is that i don't want to make mistakes. see, mistakes i make in this endeavor don't just hurt me, but, potentially, the lineage. there's the little questions, like, is my very catholic maternal grandmother cool with the idea of her image and the prayer card from her funeral sharing altar space with the venus of willendorf replica that constituted my first purchase of a devotional object on this path? what about magically charged anointing oils? what about a carved obsidian skull?

an altar object i am using for paul is a folio of writing i did in the creative writing class we took together in high school. it sort of feels like it's stolen, is the thing. he'd given it back to me at one point for an update and, as it occasionally happens with long-time friends who cycle in and out of touch, i still have it. so, taboo. so, shame. taboo and shame don't only serve as indicators for what truly matters to one, they also generate a tremendous amount of energy around issues i am working on and are therefore crucial to my pathwork. because of this, i try to keep objects on my altars (sometimes it is very hard) that are uncomfortable to me for related reasons: something i stole, something i appropriated in somewhat willful ignorance, something i forgot to give back; something i broke, something i paid too much money for, something that didn't live up to expectations, something that echoes me back on a traumatic event, something that represents a failure. oh man, is this sort of material plentiful amongst ancestral objects. SO MANY MISTAKES. as such, the new altar is pulsating with energy i'm not exactly sure how to work with, yet. possibly this is a good sign.

could be maybe i shouldn't have built it in the room where i work.

i also don't know how i feel about my grandmas watching over me while i try to write entertainingly about bethesda. frankly, on the whole? i don't know about how my very catholic grandmas would feel about my moving to the eastern seaboard to shack up with someone i met on the internet, but it's still better than the awkwardness that would result from me having this deal in the bedroom. and i do mean this whole heartedly: ye gods.

one of my favorite bands from back in the day recently made several of their earliest demos available on soundcloud. it's an excellent all hallows offering if ever one there was. i'm only allowed to listen to work playlists until this article is drafted (better than the mess i drafted friday, i mean) but maybe some of my readers will enjoy, at least relate more to that particular obsession.
music: deepchord - spirits