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23 January 2018 @ 01:13 pm
you never know why but sometimes he smiles  
i am judith’s creative block. i swell to fit the space i’m in. i take up everything, i take everything: time and mood, a respectable relationship with food: tablespoons of peanut butter right out of the jar, so why do you think you’re all blocked up? the stabbing shock at the end of “CAN’T.” you can’t, can you? sure you can’t. sure you didn’t. there, i did my job.

i am judith’s creative block. i do my job well. i do my job comprehensively. i am successful in my work of making judith unsuccessful in hers. it’s a synergistic dynamic! for one of us, anyway. the one of us who matters, and by that i mean: judith.

you know who matters to an abuser? the person they are abusing. the person they sneak up behind with a shove, offer a hundred names in the course of one day, the person they are always thinking about: doesn’t get doesn’t deserve doesn’t doesn’t doesn’t doesn’t, let’s send her a message, let’s leave an impression: people have worked so hard to leave an impression on judith. shame that it all faded so quickly, purple to gray to wasteland dusk, then gone. it’s a shame. some of their work could’ve won prizes. but then again, judith’s blank canvas of unmarked skin taunted so many abusers back to their chosen form of self-expression, for she inspires many to test their limits. try new mediums. explode that which had held them back:

i am judith’s creative block. i have all the answers, but that comes at a price. you could charge at my farthest boundary, i don’t have the resources to maintain sufficient security there: for i am straining my resources just with the front line.

so what do you say, judith? are you ready for my dubious gifts? i need you, but you don’t need me. i don’t exist without you, but all you have to do to get away from me is get on with your life. your time is your own. so is your energy. what i am is a concept: of course i can make myself big or small, as big or small as i want to be, i’m not really there.

i’m judith’s creative block.

i’m omnipresent and i’m not really there.

listen to me, will you listen to me? could it be that there’s something important i might have to say? what’s a form without its boundary? what’s a song with all those notes you do not play? sculpt me from the darkness, sculpt me with darkness, sculpt me out of the darkness: any way you slice me, i am still a part of things. a block of potential, awaiting your chisel. awaiting your discerning erasure. holy excess. holy emptiness. holy letting go.

what do you want to make, judith? look how through you can be in your methodology of blocking. look how detail oriented, how driven you are to blocking yourself in! blocked at every pass, you are, blocked at every pass. in the theater arts, “blocking” refers to scripting motion so the narrative can unfold without the performers having to figure out where to put their bodies as they go. well?


 
 
music: chubby wolf - on burnt, gauzed wings