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05 June 2018 @ 08:00 pm
i chased his thoughts like birds  



judith
how is this current struggle to feel hope, to feel anticipation, to take pleasure in what has yet to unfold - how is my failure to embody these qualities interfering with my connection to source? i mean, i get it. on paper, i understand that if i don't experience hope, if i'm not feeling anticipation, if i'm not taking pleasure in things that have yet to unfold, i lose my sense of wonder. i cannot support joy. joy becomes just another thing i can't afford.

guide
what's something you can anticipate, right now, in this moment?

judith
...i can't identify anything. i know there has to be something. but there's always a problem. it's either too complicated, or it's blotted out by circumstances, or hoping for that makes me a bad person, or i don't deserve it, or it probably won't happen. shouldn't get my hopes up. shouldn't count eggs as chickens. or i've ruined it for myself. or circumstances have damaged too much for me to enjoy it. or anxiety has calcified what could have been joyful anticipation.

guide
you don't trust hope. you've experienced it too many times as a weapon.

judith
is hope a destructive impulse, or is it a survival skill?

guide
as any intangible supply, like happiness or sadness or anger, it's neither and it's both. in the right context, hope will keep you alive; in the wrong, it will kill you dead. hope is powerful. hope is power. hope can be the key and it can be the lock. we are not here to colonize your attentions, but we would like to suggest that you explore the different ways you've hoped over the course of your life. maybe if you can start to understand what causes you to feel hope and what the path of your hope has led you to in the past, you can start to see how letting it back in will help you move. we are not here to interfere with any of your relationships, but maybe you can start to see how anyone who tries to shut down your hope, or exacerbates a situation where you are starting to feel or have already been feeling hopeless, that that is someone you should observe precautions in communication with, especially right now. balance the more challenging interactions with those connections where you can be playful. play is extremely important for you in your current circumstances, when you are arguably more hopeless than you've been at any point in your life prior.

judith
i don't know about that. the first half of 2000 was certainly a world of shit.

guide
indeed, it was.


 
 
music: robert rich - curtain