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05 November 2018 @ 07:32 pm
but i'm not in the mood  
writing fiction is like waking up inside the dream. distinct from becoming lucid, because in becoming lucid one typically takes control: and in properly wrangled fiction, my experience of it anyway, a writer doesn't so much take control as much as surrender their interpretive capacities to what is going to happen on the page regardless of the writer's desires. you witness. you make space for the story to happen. you do not puppet. you may position immobile events, but only if you allow them to happen any number of ways. you remain open to startling revisions. you do not take possession of any of it. it does not belong to you. you do not seek profit from these interactions. they are not yours to profit from.


neither do people who are terrified of the unknown. well, okay, not so much terrified of unknown, generally, because all of us are some of that sometimes, especially with regard to certain categories of distinct personal concerns and no i'm not going into any further detail about that. we all need fear. fear is as much an aspect of a life well lived as orgasms and evening constitutionals. attempting to limit one's exposure to the unknown because of fear, letting fear lock you out of those places you need your mind go, however? that quickly becomes every aspect of who you and everyone you perceive becomes.

we are all afraid of something. we all have at least one horrible unknown we are negotiating to varying degrees of success. writers who strive to write away the unknown, write away from fear: who knows what's going on with that. i am too busy grinding my fear into a fine past and lasciviously writhing about in it. what i'm saying is i might have a different problem? i'll be picking fear from my scalp for decades: and this is how it should be.

writing that matters hurts.

i think.

ask me again tomorrow, should you care.
*at least not when it comes to the work. when it comes to the discipline of actually writing, the one thing you must be an onerous control freak about is the amount of time you must devote to actually writing. people will try to sabotage you on that. tell you that you are selfish, you could not possibly need to spend that much time writing, or maybe that you're making it too hard on yourself. explain that you really don't have to make any sacrifices, at least not any meaningful ones. in my experience, this is at best naive and at worst outright gaslighting. a fantasy the frustrated (or, in some cases, independently wealthy) writer speaking needs you to validate. anything worth doing, you make sacrifices to do it. meaningful ones. one of the most important sacrifices to any craft is TIME. that is an extremely important sacrifice, one that cannot be replenished in 48 hours by amazon prime. if you want to be a writer, you start that process by writing. all the time. even when it feels stupid. even when you'd rather be doing something else. even, sometimes, when you're supposed to be doing something else. i am saying this as someone currently struggling to maintain a paper journal: it's not a judgement of your character, it's not a challenge to your authority, it isn't intended as criticism at all: it's simply unavoidable truth. if you want to write and you have any time available to allocate toward that end, the most important thing you can do is actually write. (if you DON'T have time available to allocate toward that end, that is another matter and a much longer post. it also sucks and i'm sorry.) in order for your distinct process to unfold, it needs your investment. the best resource you can invest is time. start young, if you can. you sure do spend an awful lot of time at the doctor as you get older.

music: bowery electric - beat