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27 November 2018 @ 02:21 pm
it's all that heavy weather we're going through  
who is your loudest omission?

is it who you think about most or who you don't let yourself think about at all? is it someone you block or someone you can't reach?

is it you?

"i am my loudest omission."

that seems unlikely. i breathe, after all. i clothe myself and eat. such activities require a certain level of investment. but perhaps in all my effort to take care of the baby (so to speak) i've neglected the greater needs of spirit and mind. i mean, i take care, i nurture. when i do this for another it's so they can thrive, trust the stability of their immediate resources enough to examine and explore what the world means to them, what they are capable of, who they need to be. i do what i do to help them grow. so often, amongst those old enough to handle basic accounting for themselves, what that means is: i let them account for themselves. I do what i can to demonstrate myself as trustworthy and then step aside until i am asked for. how i doing this for myself?

we are all of us composites of everything we've learned and experienced. we are, all of us, shaped by the negative space of that which we have not learned or experienced. the way we love has something to do with how we've been loved. that might not be a clear path in some cases. it might be a rebellion or an unanticipated side effect. it might be that we offer, attempt to offer, try to figure out how to offer that which we always longed for but could not find: or we might, instead, do to others what we fear most.

it might be that suffering is our only opportunity to comprehend and inform the value of compassion. it could be that's a lesson we avoid over and over again: because we think that love is a quantifiable resource, a knowable supply, we want to believe that love always feels like a good and positive thing. we think love is a thing, something that's there or not, something offered out like candies at the halloween bell. really, it's unstable, it's always changing form, matter into liquid into vapor into vapor into

love could just as easily swell forward in a glance from the beloved as it could in a thought, a process, or a situation, surrounding some personal demon you will not abide. love is chaotic. love is terrifying. the grinding abyss. the great destroyer. love dances the universe into form and burns it out again to ash. it's agonizing, but how could we expect anything less? goddess of crossroads. the crossroad itself. which way will you choose?

*


blonde now. at least at the roots. for a few more days, anyway.
hairdye sure is a lot of freaking work.



 
 
music: a produce - land of a thousand trances
 
 
 
atienne_navarre...: pic#118567828windlasher on December 16th, 2018 05:39 pm (UTC)

The one.... that got away still pops in mind quite frequently.