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27 August 2019 @ 01:36 am
are you the next in line  
so that's what it feels like to detect a breast lump with my fingers.

day after my birthday, in fact. any wonder i increasingly dread my birthday? any wonder many of my long-time friends avoid me? i'm such an avalanche. a monsoon of misfortune. better stay away. you might get caught.

i think my brain stalled. i felt the lump, i felt the lump, understood what i was feeling, jerked my hand away and stopped. stopped cold. stood there, staring, strange numbness at the back of my head. speechless. shallow breathing. panting, slightly. trying to trigger a reboot. trying to trigger a reboot. trying to trigger a reboot.

probably it's nothing. i'm susceptible to cysts. i'm cystceptible! probably it's nothing. these things tend to crop up, sometimes overnight, at specific hormonal intervals. i am at one of those intervals. cysts are likely triggered by stress, isn't everything? understatement: i've been under a lot of stress. probably it's nothing. let's pretend it's probably nothing.

COULD SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW TO DO THAT AND THEN CREATE SOME EFFECTIVE TRAINING MODULES FOR THE REST OF MY BODY BECAUSE LOGIC AIN'T GOT NO SURE FOOTING IN THAT WILDERNESS

anyone needs me i will be in the empty fucking bathtub with all my fucking clothes on screaming over and over again into my fucking fist because we just fucking did this and i cannot fucking do it again but i have to do it fucking again because this is my fucking life and i have HEIGHTENED FUCKING RISK FACTORS on top of my ELEVATED FUCKING RISK FACTORS it's quite the tiered wedding cake of risk and seriously? seriously? again? already, again?

waiting for a response from the clinic portal. i have my annual appointment with the radioactive boob crusher in a couple weeks anyway, so i don't know. maybe that amazing nurse is still there and she will explain everything and then give me a hug. i am currently running short on hugs. i am currently stuck at what if it's not nothing. i am currently stuck

goddamnit.
 
 
mood: FML