i wonder if any of it is real
but then i always have
as confident as i've never
"we're rehabilitating your relationship with reality," my therapist said. "you need a foundation of trust. you need to be able to trust what is real, but you also need to trust that being real means something, something valuable to you. so it's worth the work."
"it's a lot of work," she said. "people will disappear."
but then
they do that
"it's not your fault," she prompts me to understand. i try, again, again i make the effort, it is a lot of work, but worth it. worth it, right? i need to believe it is worth it. in her office, maybe i can. weeks later, shaking with a derealization episode under my weighted blanket, my toes have again become an intolerable abstraction and there's always another reason not to eat.
reasons like: i am not worth a reasonable calorie count. other people deserve food more. food is for productive members of society. i am only creating problems for other people and the environment with my selfish entitlement to food i do not need because i am not real and i thought i was getting better about this wasn't i getting better about
goddamn
i wish
you had something left to put toward making things better with me. it doesn't surprise me that you don't, why would i get that? but
one conversation. you know? instead
you're not even going to try and it's past time for me to
make peace with reality.
i wish i wish
