this is my body she is my only body and she is holy my knees are holy my shoulders are holy my clavicle nostrils and scalp are holy the dry scaly skin between my toes the ingrown fine hairs up the back of my right calf that continually renewing place of needle bruises inside my right elbow the catscratch scar across the back of my right hand the empty place behind the scar rippling across my throat this is my body she is my only body and she is holy today i fed her one banana one hard boiled egg a half serving of strawberry kefir a cup of hot cocoa with two tablespoons of cold brew coffee concentrate irish breakfast black tea with cream paul newman black tea with rosewater and honey three chips of 88% dark endangered species chocolate a sandwich of melted cheddar and baked tempeh a cookie another cookie a handful of veggie straws stovetop northern beans with shredded zucchini and diced slow roasted orange and yellow peppers the last bit of green tea ice cream another cookie a cup of paul newman's green tea two bottles worth of water my birth control pill 137 synthroid 2000 mg vitamin D3 diphenhydramine pseudoephedrine hydrochloride this is body she is my only body and she is holy i watched the bob newhart show i watched last week tonight i'm two episodes in to the fang rock serial from classic doctor who i watched a lindsay mack video about deep soul care and the tarot i listened to vidna obmana robert rich tryshe dhevney gentle rain in a pine forest i tried to write to a shamanic journey recording gregory besek solo drum i tried to write to alpha entraining drums but nothing wrote nothing seems to be writing we went out we went walking we again discussed the ambiguous guidelines regarding face covering in low density outdoor spaces we again interpreted those guidelines to mean observing several yards of physical distance was the best protection from the handful of other people out on this day we know it's a privilege and a privilege many people have not been afforded what is america doing to her working class and when we got home i saw an instagram post condemning anyone who isn't sterilizing their footwear after every excursion as already diseased and how much of this is deck chairs on the titanic and how much of it has an applicable context outside of toxic new york post clickbait and my partner wonders if his months ago month of strange resurging symptoms body aches chest congestion and coughing might have been it so many international travelers through the music school where he works and that was when i had that sinus infection that presented so strangely a friend with epilepsy wondered if it was a csf leak and i looked up the symptoms and went to the doctor and how many of us already had it and how many of us are clinging to that notion as a defense against total emotional collapse just a thing people say, like i have a cough but it's probably allergies my parents my brother my sister my newly ten year old niece who said i don't need a party just so long as i can be with my family my therapist asks me during our phone session are you afraid of getting sick, or are you afraid of your loved ones getting sick, or are you afraid of society collapsing and i explode with bitter laughter, because: yes. all of that. all of that, plus. the man i never worked things out with, the estranged friends twisting up my nervous frays, did you make it through another day without texting _______ the support community asks 1024 likes 290 comments i don't know, as good as, either or. i'm not texting anyone. i'm not writing, i'm not reading, my trauma recovery washes out with the tide. the days drag on and the days slip by. it's a privilege it's a privilege many people have not been afforded. this is my body it is my only body and it is holy. every flake every itch every dropped wad of hair. my no-contact eyes. my unstable voice lower it lower it could you please speak up you're too soft spoken you're too damn loud so monotone far too animated kicked up gravel scripted in advance men don't listen to the words you're saying men hear your voice as a song should they ever hear you at all. my brother whisper echoes every phrase he takes pride in at least once i was emphatically shamed out of this same behavior very young so when he does it i feel afraid we will get caught called out as freaks called out as the r-word unmasked without compassion and marketed to the masses on the terms of autism speaks. my tangled and stuttering brain. my heart. my lungs. three silver hoops in the left ear, scarification i initiated, wounds i hold with penetrating silver: 1989, 1991, 1992. two hoops in the right: 1989, 1992. this is my body. my only body. she is sacred. she is who she is. she is where she is. i am where i am. i am who i am. i am the only where and who i can be.