selva oscura (anonymousblack) wrote,
selva oscura
anonymousblack

so you stand here an angry young woman

tell me again how much time i have left to go back to school

as though time is the resource in question, that matter i don't believe i can spare, as though money and tolerance for systems of learning that do not address my very obvious obstacles to success because it is assumed i: learned how to study, how to set up a productive workspace, apply for scholarships, apply for schools, plan ahead, make a schedule, set goals and accomplish them, ask for things i need, want things for myself, relate to people in a way they do not find unsettling, consume a minimum of 2000 calories and dress appropriately for current atmospheric conditions every single day, even the weekends! and i learned how to do these things on the same time frame as everyone else, like, what, by the end of elementary school? but for whatever reason, i did not. some of these things, i never learned to do them. some of these things, i don't even know they are things i need to know how to do. i was functionally absent that day, i never got the context i needed, nobody would explain it to me in a way i understood, my resources were too caught up in trauma shit for me develop a successful compensation program, that classroom had a weird smell. i never learned to ask for help and i learned there wasn't help available to me if i asked. i was punished for asking for help: screened yet again for the special ed program, deprived of art classes teachers believed were distracting me, called the r-word by my peers. i was bad, but not bad enough to deserve help. instead of getting help, i got resentment, condescension, vindictiveness and abandonment: it wasn't fair! that somebody could write like that before they were twenty but only just barely understood how to tie their shoes. my education couldn't meet me where i was and so i never got out to a place where i could meet my education. now, i suspect (but only suspect) i could support myself with writing. i suspect (but only suspect) i could be more widely published than i am, at least. but i have this knowledge gap. i don't know how to get to here from there. how do you build a career? how do you leverage small successes into larger ones? how do you sell yourself when you have no self-esteem and are a terrible liar? there are incredibly basic skill sets i don't possess. boring things academia can't be bothered to help me with unless i have been officially certified as a profile-building extracurricular activity that will not, should i successfully surmount a few of my functional shortfalls, threaten anybody's position in the field. my gatekeepers are all too willing to destroy me with what they can do and i cannot, and then tell me my disability is no big deal: look! here are three examples of people in american society of "people like you" who've achieved doctorates and houses and children, oh my! and shelves full of published material, besides. they did it, what's wrong with you?

i don't know.

i don't know what's wrong with me.

if i did, don't you think i could do better?

tell me again how much time i have left to go back to school.
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