selva oscura (anonymousblack) wrote,
selva oscura
anonymousblack

  • Music:

clack



for awayslow, especially

as you can hear this tangle is still a little crunchy
the clicking is a constant
but after it's been worked a number of times the creaking and squeaking seems to diminish
it's pretty magical
*

so
much
anxiety

so much fear

and anguish
and rage

we stood at the farthest edge of a gathering today
masked and distant
listened to speakers
clapped for voting
if i'd known this pandemic stuff was coming i would have more aggressively pursued a referral for a pulmonary workup last year
thing is it doesn't sound like they really know what kind of damage can result from long periods of low grade CO exposure
(that's what all the doctors told me, and the internet backs them up)
but, like i said, didn't know the pandemic was coming
and i was... a little (more) broken about doctors for a bit
or i woulda been more like, yeeeeah, maybe let's do another EKG thingie and some of that other stuff we did before my surgery
(my annual was fine, at least)
i've definitely seen an uptick in trauma symptoms since that experience
which could be a lot of things
but whatever the case i
don't
know
what my level of concern about exposure should be
and as many of you know
public actions and sensory processing disorders do not have much in the way of affinities
i hate how my internalized ableism has led to my conflating my need for accommodations with making excuses
i keep trying to bootstrap myself out of the things and situations that will actually help me do more instead of dropping me into shutdown for another fucking year
i can't do the same things many of my friends can do
at least not to the same extent
or at the same pace
all the same

so many things i'm
not
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