selva oscura (anonymousblack) wrote,
selva oscura
anonymousblack

  • Music:

good morning, CPTSD

i feel like i need to be better about experiencing experiences while i am experiencing them.

probably everyone feels like that, to a degree? if not that exactly, something very much like it. we are all of us always cutting into cutting away from cutting up ourselves, severing necessary nerve endings, taking ourselves that much more out of the moment by obsessing about how we are not in the moment, not really. entering into the now is a sort of trance, and i'm not great at those.

be in the moment.

don't anticipate and don't recall.

disassociate yourself from all prior associations.

don't perform for anyone.

don't judge your behavior.

don't worry about your appearance, your safety, your checking account balance.

just be in the moment.

don't concern yourself with who or what or where or how.

don't even contemplate "when."

just be in the moment.

this moment.

now this moment.

now


so many trips tripping you out of the moment. putting you back into - not reality, but your resource-intensive synthesis of reality that takes so much time and energy to support you'll never manage a sufficient letting go for a good drift. as far back as i can remember, i've been praised for my awareness, my presence, my powers of weird observation. could it be this is the very thing that's destroying me slowly? not being able to forget. not being able to let go. there's an end to the questions, woman. there's a point at which a question turns back on itself as an answer. if i need to ask if i am loved enough times in enough ways it should become apparent to me that no, there is not love in this situation, love is distinct from attachment, haven't i figured that out yet?

and the answer is OF COURSE I HAVE.

at so many times, in so many ways. but with regard to certain issues, i can't apply the logic, the logic doesn't stick, i needed to clean and appropriately condition the working surface for that before i started processing it, but i did not, so it's a mess, it's unstable, a terrifying prospect with a far-reaching kingdom of negative emotional experiences.

except: never dealing with it is so much worse.

it's strange how a thing seems to be going one way when, in truth, it actually surrenders its opposite. like how the things you insist on doing to make yourself feel better actually make you feel a good deal worse. like i wrote in a writing i've been meaning (for years) to edit into readable form, several of the things my brain does in attempt to comfort itself are dreadful. the most comforting fantasies, the ones i slide into like the best lover, they're the sort of stuff that can easily spiral me into self-loathing and depression. at best, i use them to push myself away from my reliable anchors: and my reliable anchors? seem ill-fit and unappetizing. i mean: what the hell, judy? why do you do this to yourself?
*


what do you want universe, i ask. what i actually need to know is WHAT DO YOU WANT HERE, JUDITH? i can't have it both ways. unless i can. but i can't have it both ways. i can't even gain an operational understanding of what constitutes "both ways." i can't do any sort of manifestation work (can i?) because:

          1. be careful what you wish for
          2. too many of my desires are
                              a) contradictory
                              b) counter-indicated
          3. i can't bring a narrative into form
          4. everything i want makes me feel guilty
          5. WANTING makes me feel guilty.

there is a distinction between the kind of want that can be resolved with an inexpensive purchase and the kind of want that will negatively impact another person's life in a direct way, i suspect... but then again, maybe not. anyway, even an inexpensive purchase could potentially have a direct and negative impact on another person's experience. hell, world we live in right now, especially?

even my breathing can do that.



[HOLDS BREATH]


Tags: journal14
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