selva oscura (anonymousblack) wrote,
selva oscura
anonymousblack

i sure could use a vacation from this




i need to
renew my drivers license
which expired last august and
which will expire this august
both statements are true and
neither statement is true
what is truth!
my current driver's license does not exist
this is not a driver's license

but then again

there's me.
at this renewal i scheduled
finally
after getting that
muddy mucky stuck feeling i get when i'm tired of dissociating on a matter
forgetting distracted oh yeah i should do that i meant to
for weeks and months and months and
now a year

at this appointment
i must provide documents
to verify my identity

except one of my fundamental mental health concerns:
do i actually exist?
is there me?

because there have been
SIGNIFICANT
periods of my life
when i did not believe
in the fact of my existence
when i was agonizingly incapable
of believing such a dangerous falsehood
i fell into mirrors
i clawed up my skin
i cut off hair
chewed my lip raw
trying to prove it
trying to feel it
accumulating evidence

i didn't sleep
i wouldn't sleep
i couldn't sleep

close friends made judgements
about how much i wasn't sleeping
but if i slept
i might forget
i might lose this tangible thread of awareness
never to track it again
something is there is something there what is it what is it
all around me everywhere is evidence but
i can't bring it into form
i can't make a phrase with it
i can't shape myself from the void

then, you know, it's fine.

is it?

also my sleep issues are even more complicated than that but you know that because yours are worse

this seems unlikely but i like to pretend there's somebody like that in my readership
my readership which might not exist
so that's something we have in common
let's swipe coffee from tinder or whatever

this appointment for my real ID
it is taking place on the assumption that i definitely exist
even if it happens on a day when i can't believe that

anyway, i made the appointment.
i have time to prepare for it
but it will happen before the extension on my license expires

so it's all working out
in spite of everything
of course that's what made me cry
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